Ever tried eating chips while watching TV? You get so engrossed in the show that you munch too much without even tasting the food. Oops! Chips’ all gone! Tried day dreaming while riding the jeepney? You get swept off to a far away world that you miss your stop. Or even forget to listen to your instructor because all you do is stare at her ass? Me? I tried all of the above already but, hey, that’s life. Enjoying what is in front of you and forgetting what is beyond is excusable. But lately I have been doing something that I haven’t done before, I placed life on hold for academics. Ok, for veterans that is not a bad idea but being a first timer, I discovered that life is suppose to be lived not set aside.
Chores, no matter how dreadful they are, are part of life. I mean, who can live on a pigsty, not take a bath and wear week old clothing? That is just so gross. It would be hard to live with that person. Kadiri talaga!… Oh, I forgot. I was trying to describe myself pala. Let me relate my scenery right now. I am looking at a table that has a millimeter thick film of dust. Pressed at the corner is my acquaintronix give away. To my right is the enormous pile of used clothing for two weeks and my bean bag is dumped over my printer. On my desk are everything you can think of; from hair gel to liquid seasoning to 50 pesos worth of coins to molding bread… forget about the last one, I already threw it away. My sheets smell like month old sweat… go figure why. On my make shift bedside table are all my active books, three of my bags, my cap, my multitester, tools, food, the only fresh underwear left from about 20 and piles and piles of loose sheets that I studied. On the floor; jeans that I am still planning to wear, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 pairs of foot wear (all scattered), my toiletries, jeans that I am not planning to wear, trash… and more trash. Don’t ask about the upper deck of my bed, I don’t talk about alien worlds.
"Being yourself" is a very good advice you can give to anyone. Especially to me, I don’t exactly act how I feel. When I feel pressured I goof around, when I feel sick I try to act hyperactive, when I am hungry I drink… et cetera. I know, that is weird, but that is the normal me. I also act like the fictional characters I see on TV. My sarcasm I got from Dr. Greg House, black slang I got from RNB singers, my profound actions I got Mr. Bean, my pick up lines from Johnny Bravo. Ok, RNB artist are not fictional, I know that… and so is Mr. Bean. I mix all these characters with chemical X and mix the concoction with my own pool or personalities. This makes a totally different person and yet so Toptop. Cool huh? The sad thing is that lately the chemical X I am using is not doing its thing. I now act like Toptop and yet so different. Like lately, a friend told me that I act like Kevjumba… no I don’t! Ok… I do but I did not mean to. Blame it to the chemical X! I admire the guy… but he is not God! (Am I over acting?) Kev is truly a good comedian and I am guilty for looking up to him but being too similar to him is pure horror. That is not the only thing, because lately I feel like I am living somebody else’s life. Come on, studying days before an exam is so out of character. And even weirder, I wanted to study and am not forced into doing it. So top, "be yourself because you are who you are, no more, no less".
It may not seem like it but I am a social being. I need company to live. I am not an island you know. But lately I have cut myself off from most aspects of my social life. My sister hasn’t heard from me for weeks now. She doesn’t try to reach me too but if I don’t call her, she won’t call me. Better me than her. My play lists haven’t been updated for three weeks. I don’t have the newest songs on the hit charts and it is killing me. There are also old friends that are pissed that I don’t send text messages to them anymore. There is also my favorite aunt who celebrated her birthday lately. She had very happy birthday because of the food and the marry making and all of the people who were there, if not physically, by spirit… except me. Damn, I forgot! Sorry. Nahihiya na akong mag greet so… Happy Birthday Auntie Jp!
"Health is wealth" is another fact that everyone should memorize by heart. I memorized this thing long before I memorized the country’s national anthem. The thing is I have been battering myself with stress, short sleep and malnutrition for at least two and a half weeks by now. Stress because… duh! Did you miss the part that I consumed my life energy for the stupidity of academics? For five days now I have always seen electric circuits when I close my eyes. I study Thevenin’s resistors without even knowing who this guy is. Did he have a wife? A child? Personal problems? I superpose circuits and kill independent power sources. Would it be a lot easier if I kill the whole circuit all together? I solve for power dissipated by a resistor without even considering that I have more power than a small circuit component. I could easily crush it with a light stomp! These are things that the brain could do just like that and yet we force it to and that is why we, I mean, I am stressed. Another cause of my deterioration is the lack of rest. Rest here doesn’t mean that fifteen minute break every three in the afternoon, I mean sleep. Sweet, deep, undisturbed sleep! The last time I got this kind of sleep was last summer. These days, sleep is at an average of five hours and riddled with pointless dreams. I dream of friends crying, reading two inch thick books and having a one on one talk with teachers. Add to this a report card with a big ‘5’ on it and then I could die! Man!
If I don’t go back to my life now, I will surely break! (Listening to Look After You by The Fray.) I need Devine intervention to do this because as I see it, this is just the start of an uphill trek to my future of an even steeper path.
